I’m writing this post knowing that I will probably go through another existential crisis in the near future. Also, I wrote this post 10 minutes after I stopped crying as I searched for more jobs and sent panicked texts to my parents, boyfriend, and friend from home.
I was raised to be a hard worker. I hate sitting around and being lazy. Of course, I do appreciate the lounging and sleeping in when I’m actually working. When I was a student-athlete, I had practice before the sun was up, I had practice between classes, or I would be raising to class from practice. My life was hectic and busy but I loved it. I was mostly stressed trying to complete all my assignments on time. I would try to catch a nap as much as possible, even if it were just lying on my bed with my eyes closed for 10 minutes. I guess I really liked the busy lifestyle. I like everything face-paced.
Go, go, go! There is no stopping.
Suddenly, I’ve come to a crashing halt. That lifestyle is done for. There’s no more running from practice to class and finishing papers on the bus when we had away games. I don’t have my teammates or friends to talk to and listen to their stories. I don’t have my best friend/roommate in a bed next to me to vent and act as my therapist. The so-called friends I had in college planned a little Fourth of July get together without inviting me and two other of my close friends. My parents are many miles away and in a different time zone. My brother works and occupies his time with either his girlfriend or video games. My boyfriend isn’t around to give me a hug or tell me a cheesy joke to make me feel better.
What’s the point of it all? Why did I put myself through those hectic four years only to end up with no job prospects and alone? Does any of this matter? Will I ever get hired? What if I just don’t do anything? Is it possible to just go off in the wind?
All these questions swirling in my head.
I know I want to join the work force. Most people I mention this to think I’m crazy and I should enjoy the time I have before any work commitments. Several people have told me to “Go see the world!” Well, it takes money to see the world. Even if I stayed in hostels and sleazy motels, I need a plane ticket and spending money. I have money saved up but it is not much. I wouldn’t dare ask my parents for money, either. If I’m going to see the world, it is going to be with my own money because that’s how I was raised. You make your own money and you choose how to spend it. I was raised to be a hard worker.
Yes, yes, I shouldn’t worry. I’m only two months out of college. But it is hard to keep your head up when you’re living on someone else’s couch. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help but I just wish I was doing more. All I can do is search for jobs and apply and repeat.
I just wish I didn’t have to search for jobs with tears in my eyes.